GRADUATION

oh my god, graduation is coming up soon and i got nothing to wear..
i am freaking out right now..
not only hvae i got nth to wear, i got o idea wad to wear also..
i am seriously freaking out soon..
graduation is like in a wks time or so..
and i haven't figure out if i shud wear a high-waisted skirt with a top or a long sleek black pants with a blouse and high heels..
i nvr knew tt going for graduation can be so stressful..
okie la i lready went through it during my sec sch graduation..
tt one was simple coz the theme was white..
but this is office wear..
so must wear nice2..
must show tt i ma pretty..
wahahaha, wad the hell..
hmm, shud bring mama out for shoppoing but on this weekend..
i'll be working at a maternity shop and vivo..
i dun mind working there but the travelling expenses is not cheap at all..
this is so stressful man..
headache..
must stop up $20..
hope i can get a part time job there..
oh ytd shahcalled me up and said tt there's a big news abt our camp company soi am hoping it' s a good thing..
i can't slp properly last night..
i dreamt tt fadillah was with hazrul..
haha, tt was funny..
think NADZIRAH think on wad u want to wear..
so at least went to go out shopping i already the things to buy in my head and i wun buy unneccessary things tt is not important..
plus i'm in office now,so i can cheack online on wad office can i wear..
ooo, boss not in and my work ins done..
yeah, smart nadzirah..
haha, i sound like a crazy woman talking to myself..

LONELINESS!!

as u all noe tt i nvr really bother abt me being single and not having bf and all..
but lately i am feeling super lonely on the inside..
i nvr felt like this ever b4..
like everywhr i go, i am surrounded by ppl hu are in love..
wad can i do abt it?
i can only look and stare and be jealous abt it..
even the fattest guy tt i noe hu is hidayat found someone to love..
wad abt me??
dun anyone wants me??
fuck it i sound so desperate..
even my sister say this to me,"ur just not the type of committed kind of girl u dun noe how to stick to one guy, u will jump to different guys."
wah, ur very own sister saying tt, i am damn hurt, but i just kept quiet..
i did nth, just kept quiet..
i am no longer in my teenage life, tt life is over..
i am turning 20 and i dun want to be wasting my time changing bf like i am changing my underwear..
maybe it"s just not my time yet..
so now, i just have to get myself into to move on everyday with the life of love birds ard me everyday..
FUCK IT!!


p.s: i am living in a pit hole!!

DEPRESSED!!

tell me hu wudn't be envious of those hu acutally gets into poly?
i noe i ma but i can control it..
but i just can't stand my aunt's and uncle's from my dad side..
there are the most annoying species creatures on earth..
they keep on asking me y i didn't manage to get into poly, or y i must scarifise my studies for my sister or do i regret not getting into poly..
wad's there ot regret abt..
if it's not meant to be urs, den it just isn't..
they are not in my position so they dun understand wad am i going through..
not everyone is fortunate enough to have parets to be able to pay for their skul fees..
i dun want to be using my daddy's CPF..
i am not stupid..
i dun want to use my daddy CPF, coz i noe i have to pay back his CPF once i start skuling..
plus my daddy's is old and i think by the time his CPF comes out, i rather let him use the money to send him to Haj
i think tt wud be the greatest gift for my parents..
i noe certain shildren dun think abt all this, but it has always been my parents drream and wish and hope of going there one day..
money nvr drops from the sky..
u have to earn it, to feel the reward..
but now, even to find a job is hard..
ppl say it's best to study now, but whr is my daddy suppose to find money..
he is already paying for my sister uni fees which cost him abt 3k plus every 6 mth..
i have a heart and i dun feel right if i were to go and continue studying..
but at the same time i, myself is deprovong myself from having a futher education..
wad am i suppose to do???
i am so lost..
i dunno wad i shud be doing..
shud i work?
shud i study?
shub i be working and studying at the same time??
haiz. god only noes wad i be doing next..
i feel so lost and lonely now..
i feel ike i have no one to turn too other than u my bloggie..
i hate all this stupid feelings..
plus it getting a toll on my body..
i am falling ill..
my thorat hurts like hell and i sound like a FUCKING GAY!!
stupid cough is making my vioice sounds like fuck..
well, i just hope my life will get straighten out soon..
it's really making my life a living hell..



p.s: i saw my eye candy today and his name is Zul, thanks to yat hu noes him.. but just found out tt his a playboy.. dunno how true, but i do want to get to tnoe him, but i am to shy to be making any first move, i noe all my friends can help me, but i dun want to die of embrassment infront of him or when i meet him.. BTW, he's handicapped.. but fucking good looking and damn nice smelling..hahah, i sound sick..

it's been long

it's been really long, abt one mth lus since u updated my blog..
haha, i just dun have the time or energy or i just totally to update it..
well, just to summarise my life now..
i am becoming acamp instructor and i just got back from a 5D4N camp..
i am totally damn tired and sleeply, i cna slp anywhr i want to nowdays..
i got both my ite and poly result..
pass my ite but didn't manage to get into poly..
it's totally fine, i dun feel upset or anything..
i just to start looking for a private dip in either business admin or early childhood..
currently jobless, am finding a job now..
so tt's it..
tt's y life now..
i think i will nvr get myself a bf till i turn 21 or older..
it sounds random but wad the hell..
i just flirt with any guy tt i want and rnjoy it while it still last..


p.s; this is the sad story of my life..

MUGGING!!

exams is less than 3 wks and i am so freaking out..
i haven't really memorise anything for auditing and next wk monday is my test and my teacher expect me to get an A for it?
wahahaha..
fat hope man..
tt will nvr happen..
if u give me my notes den i can get an A for you..
auditing is all abt theory and only a small portion of practical..
accounting is fine coz i noe wad i am suppose to do and i noe i can do it..
but auditing is giving me more headache den any other subject tt i've done through out my almost 2 yrs in ITE taking accounting..
i am like having problems with my body..
my body system is going crazy..
too much is happening tt i can't eat, sleep or sometimes breath wel..
plus the weather these days are not really helping..
it's so bloody hot, but the last 2 days was raining..
i rejoice everytime it rains..
now i a taking a short break b4 i continue studying..
i will start burning my mid night oil till the 10th march coz 11th mar is my last paper and after tt i will be the most happiest girl o earth..
i so need a break from skul and studying..
but after skul ends means i need to find a work FAST!!
i'm hoping tt i can get the job at cisco but as a admin girl la..
not becoming a police officer..
wahahah, me officer??
tak dpt ah..
but nvrmx, just gonna send out my resume and see wad kind of job i gets..
i can't thihnk of anymore to blog abt..
i will end here b4 i go crazy thinking wad else to blog abt..
see u ard..
love u..

PRE-GRADUATION!!

PRE- VALENTINE'S DAY!!

vday is right ard the corner and i'm dateless..
how sad is tt..
i did have a date, see the word did..
it means used to but it's not gonna happen..
he told me tt he can't go coz he has to attend his ocbc briefing and after tt go to his friends house for his FYP..
oh man, i just miss him alot..
i can't stop myself from thinking abt him..
some ppl say to just forget him but others say to ive him a chance and wait to see the result..
but how long am i suppose to wait for him?
ill i get old and all pruney?
but nvrm..
i'm still waiting coz i really wanna see his progression..
but today was like heaven to me..
i was surrounded by SUPPER HOY MALAY GUYS in office attire..
they are like to die and drool for..
i am so glad tt i took care of the photo booth..
hey it's $1 per pic, so cheap and duh ppl wanna take pic..
oh my god, i was just smiling and laughing as all this guys come and surround the table..
but i was really attracted to this super tall, nicely built guy, wearing gray long sleeves and black pants..
his hair was a bit messy but it fits him well.
he is really cute and handsome at the same time..
nice captivating smile tt just melts my heart..
they took 6 shots which means tt i got more time with him..
but instead his other friend which sally was attracted too sat beside..
he is handsome but too bad he took drugs and have AIDS..
i felt like as if i was a princess..
hot, cute, handsome and charming guys surrounding me..
sitting very close, wanna take pics with me..
sempat lagi mintak no and all..
ask for me give me something else..
kasi duit but mintak no..
haha, but nvrmx la..
layan kan aje budak2 mcm dorg..
u have to flirt abit with this king of guys so tt ur sales will be better..
and it works..
i use my charm to get them take more, so i have more money..
hehehe..
man, this mats are so cute when u layan them..
wahahah..
i so love today..
will always rmbr it forever as i feel like a princess, with all her hot royal guy subjects surrounding her..
hehe..

MESSED UP!!

things are so messed up..
everything is messed up..
ppl around me are acting strange..
esp seha and fatin..
i dunno wad i did or wad we did wrong to them..
just the sudden quitness and shutting us out from urself..
i mean i do have problem and there is nothing wrong to share with anyone of us here..
i thinnk we be more than happy to help u out in ur prob..
i mean by u just keeping quiet, it's really making us feel so horrible and at the same time irritated at u..
wad i mean by irritated is tt not knowing the reason y and u like just keeping quiet makes us feel so shity on the inside..
come on la, we're old and mature enough to tel us ur problem..
if u dun tell us, how wud we noe and i un want to be the bad guy in this story..
no point forcing if u dun wanna share..
tapi tak pe la..
if u feel tt we're just not the kind of ppl u want to talk with, den it's fine..
just as long as ur happy both on the inside and outside than i am happy for u..
but all i ask is for u not to treat us like tt..
keeping quiet and like so called ignoring us..
it's like only 4 wks left of skul i really dun want anything to happen to our friendship..
my mind is so messed up..
so many things to do and think..
skul, future, friends, and a whole lot more..
i think wad hasif say to me is true..
i think i need to soften abit..
i can't forever be so hard headed and cold hearted..
maybe i shud give ppl ard me second chances..
i mean i wud and might and will hurt some ppl ard me but hey, changes are for my own good..
just tone down abit and i think things might change for the better..
maybe give a second chances to khai..
haiz!!
i really hope the mess in my head will get cleared soon and i will have a clear mind as exam is really ard the corner and i have to start studying for it..
and afiq cut his hair today and a new hair style..
i think it looks nice on him..
not bad.. :)

UGLY!!

i think i am the ugliest, hedious looking girl on the planet earth..
i dunno y but i just feel so ugly..
ppl keep on asking me abt the pimples on my face..
they keep on asking y is my face is so full of pimples and my mum's fae is clean..
well, i'm sorry tt i am not as pretty and clean looking like my mum..
CB SIA!!
like just stop comparing..
sorry tt my hormones ust wanna produces pimples instead of something else..
y does my face bothers ppl so much..
y not u bother abt ur own face or ur own kids..
it's my fucking face for god sakes, just let it be..
den u expect me to put on bloody fake thick make up on my face and i feel like as if i'm someone else?
like no way..
putting on make up to cover up ur impurities makes it even worst den ever..
u'll have more pimples den ever..
i dun need make up to cover all tt coz i accept tt i have pimples and not afraid to show it..
live with it..
u have pimples just live with it..
yes u may go for treatment but dun bother abt other fces..
it gets fucking annoying..
like as if ur faces nvr had pimples b4..
KNNCCB!!
and one more thing..
do i have the look of a minah?
do i?
y is it when boys hu wanna disturb m is all the mats and not those normal decent looking guys..
oh come on la.. FUCK AH
i dun even look at mat reps..
they can just jump into the pond..
i hate mats and will nvr be with a mat as a bf..
friends can but not bf..
dun think they can handle me being their gf..
ARGH FUCK AH!!
THIS IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING..
JUST GET OFF MY BACK ABT MY FACE OR EVERYTHING..
to add on to my depression, seems like all my cuz of nieces hu are way younger than i am already have a bf..
and they are like 4 to 5 yrs younger than i am..
hello i am turning 20 and still there's no one come knocking on my door..
there's just no more those special individual normal decent looking guys out there..
all the guys now must find girls with looks and body.
dun have this 2 tak pandang pun..
like fuck sia..
think wad, ur so bloody handsome tt u need girl hu are like super hot, super pretty super everything..
pls ah, look at urself in the mirror and think again if u deserve a girl hu is pretty..
even those nerds have gf or bf and me?
no one..
no one wants me coz i am just way too ugly and fat for this guys..
-SOB SOB-

LOST

i am at a total lost now..
everywhr i go i see happy ppl ard me..
all smiles and laughter..
jsut like me..
i am always smiling and laughing and making sure ppl ard me are happy..
but wad lies underneath me is full of shits..
i dun really noe wad's my future holds for me..
i noe i can't get into poly and i feel like i will once again disappoint my parents with my results..
like no matter how gard i've work my ass off just to prove to my parents and suister tt i can be smart, it just doesn't work..
i produce bad result and all i hear is my parents disappointment and my sister hurtful words, which really leaves a big scar in my life..
maybe coz of all those things tt she had said to me before has left a permenant mark tt will nvr go away and it's all true..
i just feel so super stupid, everytime when i feel like my parents are comparing me to her..
i noe my level of studies..
i'm just not like her hu studies like mad adn produce good result..
i nvr hear once coming from my mum or sister saying really good things abt me, when i get good result..
i dun go and start screaming at the top of my lungs saying i got an A for wadever subject i took..
i dun ever get to see my mum franctically calling ppl up just to tell her daughter in universitty got distinction for her result..
looking at how happy and proud she is abt my sister does leave me feeling super jealous and hurt at the same time..
they think me being in student council is just awaste of my time, effort and energy..
but they got no idea the amount of hard work, energy and dedication i've put into every event tt i'm involve with..
they dunno the ffeling of satisfaction i get after every event..
i didn't have the cahnce to tell them all tt coz they say tt i just a boot licker or it's not worth their time to listen to it..
it hurts me so bad but they dunno all this coz i nvr bother telling them..
coz wadever their comment they gonna give me will just hurt me so bad..
well, sc life is over and i am missing it coz i miss all the time i spend with my friends tt made me feel it's okie to make mistake and they are always there for me when i need one..
the most sickening part abt today is everyone is asking me if i have a bf or someone coming to me and telling me tt they either got a new bf/gf or they patch back with their bf/gf..
i mean i'm not being a mean bitch but i am very happy for them but me, myself is feeling the loneliness for not having tt special someone ard me..
maybe wad my sister say abt me is true..
tt i can't committe in any r/s coz..............
saying all this is making me wanna cry..
i'm just lousy in this..
she noes better than i do..
sometime she really makes me feel so small but she dun realise..
argh, annoying..
exams is coming up..
and i really wanna study hard for it..
no matter wad the result is i noe i have done my best..
but my best is nvr good enough for them..
-sob sob-

MISSING YOU!!

how annoying can it be if u miss someone so bad and yet u can nvr confess it to him/her..
aiya, i dunno y but i just miss padi alot lately..
like i can't even msg him coz his pp8 is low and he is always busy with his skul..
yea, i noe poly life is not easy..
hmm, but i am upset tt he last min cancell our meeting last friday with him..
i was really looking forward to meet him and hanging and spend just a few hrs with him..
but i did ask him to go out with me this sat..
but i really dunno if he wants to..
-sob sob-
aiya, how???
i only get a chance to chat with on msn for like 5 mins..
tt is also
a very short conversation..
i only told him tt he wun look adorable if he were to cry..
haha, ya i noe it' lame but wad the hell..
den after tt done..
he needs to tutor a boy..
sigh!!
wad a bloody pathetic conversation..
i'm goin insane thinking abt him even though i told myself not oo..
must get him out of head..
i think i shall do tt by playing games onine..
tt shud keep me occupied..
hmm, i really am in no fit condition to run for my 2.4 km rum tmr..
i really am not looking forward for it..
all i noe is tt i want to go for ignite but i got no freaking idea hu is going..
if no one is going, den i think i just go for my run..
let's just see how first..
if falah doesn't returns back my calls, i shall go for my run den maybe i pop by to see the happenings..
hmm i miss my sc life..
now i feel quite bored everyday goin back hm str8 after skul..
but it's okie i'm still living..
aite, gonna play my game now..
done downloading it..



p.s: is it a sin to miss padi?

2009!!

it's been really long since i updated my blog..
it's not tt i didn't want too just tt i was lazy..
2009 has alreay come and soon u realise tt it's gonna be 2010..
well, alot of shit happens..
esp with my love life..
it's getting suckier every time..
it's fucking irritating..
esp khai..
he is like a big time idiot..
at first he msg me telling me tt he doesn't want to be cheated and go through wad he has gone in the past..
but fuck he did tt to me man..
fucking annoying..
he went out with his work friend and started to have deep feelings for her..
oh mna, like i respect u for telling me but hello wad abt my feelings..
do u ever consider abt my feelings..
it is really hurtful but wad the hell..
life still has to go on..
i mean all i can do is to wish him the best of luck with her but i hope u dun come running back to me when things go wrong..
i HATE THOSE KIND OF GUYS!!
but i can just smile and i go on with my life..
but i'm still enjoying life as per normal..
but deep down i am hurting so much going through this shits again..
i think guys these days thinks tt we girls are toys..
like if u like it u buy den after awhile u throw them away..
like pls stop doing tt we are not a toy..
we are human being just like u, me and everyone else..
u hate being treated like a pieces of shit but tt doesn't mean tt u can do tt to me or any other girls..
tt is so not fair..
maybe it's just me..
being stuid and old skul as ever..
always want the guy to make the first move and not me..
till the guy finds another girl, i will suffer..
like i nvr get the opportunity to tell the guy wad's my feeling towards him and i will end up losing him..
but oh well tt's just me..
i've been woking for abt 2 wks now..
i mean work at oneheartbeat pte ltd..
doing admin work..
they pay $4.50 per hr..
it's still money to me..
i am so tired and wud like to slp and rest but it is so not happening..
my ca is coming up really soon and i haven't even studied for it yet..
i dunno wad's gonna happen to me..
but i have to catch up on it asap..
if not my result will go down the drain..
not easy for me to continue maintaing my GPA marks..
but i will study hard since it is my last sem..
haha, be graduating skul soon..
and i got no freaking idea wad will i be doing..
haiz, tak pe la..
take things one sep at a time..
new motto in life..