LOST

i am at a total lost now..
everywhr i go i see happy ppl ard me..
all smiles and laughter..
jsut like me..
i am always smiling and laughing and making sure ppl ard me are happy..
but wad lies underneath me is full of shits..
i dun really noe wad's my future holds for me..
i noe i can't get into poly and i feel like i will once again disappoint my parents with my results..
like no matter how gard i've work my ass off just to prove to my parents and suister tt i can be smart, it just doesn't work..
i produce bad result and all i hear is my parents disappointment and my sister hurtful words, which really leaves a big scar in my life..
maybe coz of all those things tt she had said to me before has left a permenant mark tt will nvr go away and it's all true..
i just feel so super stupid, everytime when i feel like my parents are comparing me to her..
i noe my level of studies..
i'm just not like her hu studies like mad adn produce good result..
i nvr hear once coming from my mum or sister saying really good things abt me, when i get good result..
i dun go and start screaming at the top of my lungs saying i got an A for wadever subject i took..
i dun ever get to see my mum franctically calling ppl up just to tell her daughter in universitty got distinction for her result..
looking at how happy and proud she is abt my sister does leave me feeling super jealous and hurt at the same time..
they think me being in student council is just awaste of my time, effort and energy..
but they got no idea the amount of hard work, energy and dedication i've put into every event tt i'm involve with..
they dunno the ffeling of satisfaction i get after every event..
i didn't have the cahnce to tell them all tt coz they say tt i just a boot licker or it's not worth their time to listen to it..
it hurts me so bad but they dunno all this coz i nvr bother telling them..
coz wadever their comment they gonna give me will just hurt me so bad..
well, sc life is over and i am missing it coz i miss all the time i spend with my friends tt made me feel it's okie to make mistake and they are always there for me when i need one..
the most sickening part abt today is everyone is asking me if i have a bf or someone coming to me and telling me tt they either got a new bf/gf or they patch back with their bf/gf..
i mean i'm not being a mean bitch but i am very happy for them but me, myself is feeling the loneliness for not having tt special someone ard me..
maybe wad my sister say abt me is true..
tt i can't committe in any r/s coz..............
saying all this is making me wanna cry..
i'm just lousy in this..
she noes better than i do..
sometime she really makes me feel so small but she dun realise..
argh, annoying..
exams is coming up..
and i really wanna study hard for it..
no matter wad the result is i noe i have done my best..
but my best is nvr good enough for them..
-sob sob-

MISSING YOU!!

how annoying can it be if u miss someone so bad and yet u can nvr confess it to him/her..
aiya, i dunno y but i just miss padi alot lately..
like i can't even msg him coz his pp8 is low and he is always busy with his skul..
yea, i noe poly life is not easy..
hmm, but i am upset tt he last min cancell our meeting last friday with him..
i was really looking forward to meet him and hanging and spend just a few hrs with him..
but i did ask him to go out with me this sat..
but i really dunno if he wants to..
-sob sob-
aiya, how???
i only get a chance to chat with on msn for like 5 mins..
tt is also
a very short conversation..
i only told him tt he wun look adorable if he were to cry..
haha, ya i noe it' lame but wad the hell..
den after tt done..
he needs to tutor a boy..
sigh!!
wad a bloody pathetic conversation..
i'm goin insane thinking abt him even though i told myself not oo..
must get him out of head..
i think i shall do tt by playing games onine..
tt shud keep me occupied..
hmm, i really am in no fit condition to run for my 2.4 km rum tmr..
i really am not looking forward for it..
all i noe is tt i want to go for ignite but i got no freaking idea hu is going..
if no one is going, den i think i just go for my run..
let's just see how first..
if falah doesn't returns back my calls, i shall go for my run den maybe i pop by to see the happenings..
hmm i miss my sc life..
now i feel quite bored everyday goin back hm str8 after skul..
but it's okie i'm still living..
aite, gonna play my game now..
done downloading it..



p.s: is it a sin to miss padi?

2009!!

it's been really long since i updated my blog..
it's not tt i didn't want too just tt i was lazy..
2009 has alreay come and soon u realise tt it's gonna be 2010..
well, alot of shit happens..
esp with my love life..
it's getting suckier every time..
it's fucking irritating..
esp khai..
he is like a big time idiot..
at first he msg me telling me tt he doesn't want to be cheated and go through wad he has gone in the past..
but fuck he did tt to me man..
fucking annoying..
he went out with his work friend and started to have deep feelings for her..
oh mna, like i respect u for telling me but hello wad abt my feelings..
do u ever consider abt my feelings..
it is really hurtful but wad the hell..
life still has to go on..
i mean all i can do is to wish him the best of luck with her but i hope u dun come running back to me when things go wrong..
i HATE THOSE KIND OF GUYS!!
but i can just smile and i go on with my life..
but i'm still enjoying life as per normal..
but deep down i am hurting so much going through this shits again..
i think guys these days thinks tt we girls are toys..
like if u like it u buy den after awhile u throw them away..
like pls stop doing tt we are not a toy..
we are human being just like u, me and everyone else..
u hate being treated like a pieces of shit but tt doesn't mean tt u can do tt to me or any other girls..
tt is so not fair..
maybe it's just me..
being stuid and old skul as ever..
always want the guy to make the first move and not me..
till the guy finds another girl, i will suffer..
like i nvr get the opportunity to tell the guy wad's my feeling towards him and i will end up losing him..
but oh well tt's just me..
i've been woking for abt 2 wks now..
i mean work at oneheartbeat pte ltd..
doing admin work..
they pay $4.50 per hr..
it's still money to me..
i am so tired and wud like to slp and rest but it is so not happening..
my ca is coming up really soon and i haven't even studied for it yet..
i dunno wad's gonna happen to me..
but i have to catch up on it asap..
if not my result will go down the drain..
not easy for me to continue maintaing my GPA marks..
but i will study hard since it is my last sem..
haha, be graduating skul soon..
and i got no freaking idea wad will i be doing..
haiz, tak pe la..
take things one sep at a time..
new motto in life..