LOST

i am at a total lost now..
everywhr i go i see happy ppl ard me..
all smiles and laughter..
jsut like me..
i am always smiling and laughing and making sure ppl ard me are happy..
but wad lies underneath me is full of shits..
i dun really noe wad's my future holds for me..
i noe i can't get into poly and i feel like i will once again disappoint my parents with my results..
like no matter how gard i've work my ass off just to prove to my parents and suister tt i can be smart, it just doesn't work..
i produce bad result and all i hear is my parents disappointment and my sister hurtful words, which really leaves a big scar in my life..
maybe coz of all those things tt she had said to me before has left a permenant mark tt will nvr go away and it's all true..
i just feel so super stupid, everytime when i feel like my parents are comparing me to her..
i noe my level of studies..
i'm just not like her hu studies like mad adn produce good result..
i nvr hear once coming from my mum or sister saying really good things abt me, when i get good result..
i dun go and start screaming at the top of my lungs saying i got an A for wadever subject i took..
i dun ever get to see my mum franctically calling ppl up just to tell her daughter in universitty got distinction for her result..
looking at how happy and proud she is abt my sister does leave me feeling super jealous and hurt at the same time..
they think me being in student council is just awaste of my time, effort and energy..
but they got no idea the amount of hard work, energy and dedication i've put into every event tt i'm involve with..
they dunno the ffeling of satisfaction i get after every event..
i didn't have the cahnce to tell them all tt coz they say tt i just a boot licker or it's not worth their time to listen to it..
it hurts me so bad but they dunno all this coz i nvr bother telling them..
coz wadever their comment they gonna give me will just hurt me so bad..
well, sc life is over and i am missing it coz i miss all the time i spend with my friends tt made me feel it's okie to make mistake and they are always there for me when i need one..
the most sickening part abt today is everyone is asking me if i have a bf or someone coming to me and telling me tt they either got a new bf/gf or they patch back with their bf/gf..
i mean i'm not being a mean bitch but i am very happy for them but me, myself is feeling the loneliness for not having tt special someone ard me..
maybe wad my sister say abt me is true..
tt i can't committe in any r/s coz..............
saying all this is making me wanna cry..
i'm just lousy in this..
she noes better than i do..
sometime she really makes me feel so small but she dun realise..
argh, annoying..
exams is coming up..
and i really wanna study hard for it..
no matter wad the result is i noe i have done my best..
but my best is nvr good enough for them..
-sob sob-